BONKERS!: The NEW Adventures "A Tale of Two Toonies" Characters (C) WALT DISNEY STUDIOS Original Story by SUSHIL RUDRANATH FOR PRIVATE USE ONLY, NOT ENDORSED BY DISNEY, DON'T SUE ME, I'M A NICE GUY. (And I stay true to the characters!) DISTRIBUTE FREELY SO LONG AS NO CHANGES ARE MADE AND THIS NOTICE REMAINS INTACT NOTE: This story takes place one day after the last, "Wail to the Chief", and it will mark the next step in a sublime continuity similar to that of Doctor Who: The New Adventures. TEASER EST. POLICE HEADQUARTERS (DAY) PUSH IN on UPPER FLOORS and FADE IN TO INT. CHIEF KANIFKY'S OFFICE OVERLAY TEXT: LAST TIME ON BONKERS: THE NBW ADVENTURES KANIFKY Sgt. Grating? Please come in. As you know, you were given command of the 34th Precinct while they finished moving the overcrowded officers from this building, Police Headquarters, to that one. Well, sergeant, you'll be glad to know the move is complete. There will be 20 new officers at the 34th tommorow morning. And command is being handed over to the new, permanent head of the 34th tommorow at Roll Call. CLEAR TEXT FADE UP TO BRIGHT WHITE and FADE DOWN TO EXT. 34th PRECINCT, PUSHING IN TO SECOND FLOOR WINDOW. EST. EXT. SGT. GRATING'S OFFICE- PULL BACK FROM GRATING'S DOOR A PAINTER is REMOVING GRATING's name and painting in SKEWER's. PAN RIGHT to the HALLWAY, where BONKERS and MIRANDA are walking in. They stop and converse. BONKERS Gee, Miranda. Did you see the Sarge's face at Roll Call today? It was so... so... depressing and- and... pathetic! MIRANDA Yeah. I actually felt sorry for him. That Skewer guy didn't even bother to show up for the transfer of command. BONKERS Ya. Just left a note. Really mean. He coulda just shown up to shake Sarge's hand. FOLLOW them as they TURN and walk into the rest of the floor. (They should be facing the arched part of the windows on the second floor, with a great view of the buildings across the street. There is a DESK in front of the windows, with many papers and boxes piled on them.) BONKERS Looks like somebody new's on our floor! BONKERS walks up to the desk and stretches out his hand. BONKERS Hiya! Are you one of the new guys from Police Headquarters? SGT. GRATING steps out from behind the DESK. GRATING It's me, Bobcat. BONKERS does a TAKE. BONKERS What're you doin' out here, Sarge? GRATING This is where I work now, stupid! Didn't you see the guy painting out my name on the office door? That's Skewer's office now! MIRANDA Have you met Captain Skewer yet? GRATING Not yet. He should be coming in about now. Anyway, a case I want you two to look into. Seems some toon's gone berserk... again. BONKERS So... what's this toon doing? GRATING He's been rampaging through Hollywood wrecking animation studios. Rumour has it he's also being chased by a new toon vigilante'. If you guys can, I want you to track him down too. MIRANDA That's two cases at once. Shouldn't you give one to Dennis and Stark? GRATING I would've- but Skewer's taken them outta our division. They work with him now. (sotto) Skewer. That guy's gonna mess everything up. MIRANDA Cool it, Sarge. I think that's him now, CUT TO HALLWAY in front of SKEWER'S OFFICE. PUSH IN on SKEWER. (Captain Skewer is a direct contrast to Sgt. Grating- tall and lean, wears mirrored sunglasses and speaks in monotone at all times. When he yells he gets louder, but still in monotone.) SKEWER Sergeant Grating. Officer Wright, (slower, with distaste) Bonkers. BONKERS smiles stupidly, failing to notice the insult. GRATING (annoyed) Well, Captain? We have work here. SKEWER Yes, I know. The vandal. But, first I have some business to take of. Officer Wright, Bonkers-- I've looked over your records- SKEWER pulls out a folder from under his shoulder and opens it, reading. BONKERS will puff up his chest more and more as Skewer goes on. SKEWER Commended for the arrest of Lilith Duprave, The safe transport of "Stifflips" Jackson, Apprehension of "Fireball Frank"-- SKEWER frowns. BONKERS will deflate more and more as SKEWER goes on. Suspended from the "Love Corral" abduction case, Almost kicked off the Z-Bot case in Tokyo, Brought in a toon ghost which caused danger to this precinct, destroyed several patrol cars-- MIRANDA Wait! We successfully closed all those cases... and the patrol cars weren't all our fault. SKEWER That's just it. According to your records, you two are either promising officers or walking disasters. I think that you, Officer Wright, are doing your best to succeed while this toon continually drags you down. I won't have that kind of inefficency in this department. Effective immediately, Bonkers is off the force. Your shield, Bonkers. FADE OUT CUT TO BONKERS OPENER FADE IN (where we left off) BONKERS produces a Roman shield from his shirt and shakily hands it to Skewer, who looks at it and puts it down. SKEWER I mean your badge. BONKERS pulls off his badge and hands it to SKEWER, and begins to cry loudly. SKEWER closes his folder with a THWIRP. GRATING balls up his fists. GRATING HOLD IT! You can't do that! Bonkers is a-- is a valued officer in this department! He's also our only toon officer! MIRANDA shoots a surprised look at GRATING. BONKERS perks up. SKEWER Toons are a dime a dozen, Grating. Frankly, I'm surprised at your reaction. Given YOUR remarks abput Bonkers in these files, I'd have thought you'd have been jumping for joy. What did you call him? "Kanifky's biggest mistake? A Shame to the department?" Shall I go on? BONKERS is shocked. His ears droop and his eyes widened, illusions about Grating shattered. He turns away as Grating looks down with more than a hint of regret. SKEWER Officer Wright will be your new partner. The two of you are assigned to track down this toontown vandal. GRATING Partner! No offense Wright, but I work alone! SKEWER Not anymore. That's all I have to say on the matter, Sergeant. SKEWER walks OS. MIRANDA What're you gonna do now, Bonkers? BONKERS I guess it's back to TV for me. I gotta go. BONKERS is slouching slowly OS. MIRANDA bends down and puts her hand on his shoulder. MIRANDA Don't worry, partner. We'll figure a way out of this. GRATING walks over to Bonkers and bends down, extending his hand, This is hard for him. GRATING Look, Bobcat-- I, uhh... That is... well, ahem... you'll find something to do. BONKERS Yeah. Thanks, Sarge. See ya. I guess you finally got what you wanted. BONKERS slowly walks OS. MIRANDA turns to face GRATING, who is now slightly slouched. MIRANDA Sarge, we can't let Skewer get away with this! GRATING (obviously upset) Look, we don't have time for this right now! We've got a vandal and a vigilante' on the loose! (sotto) I'll talk to the Chief later. MIRANDA You miss him already, don't you? GRATING (abrupt, harsh) No way! (softly, then stubbornly) Maybe. I don't get it. Bonkers was a pain! A menace to the whole department! GRATING pauses. CUT TO INT. RUBBER ROOM BONKERS is at the JUICE BAR, sipping a bannana fizzy. A strangely colored toon is sitting next to him. The toon is a rabbit drawn in the 30's style of animation and looks as if his grey and white colors have been painted over by green and orange watercolor (for a darkish appearance) RABBIT Hey, buddy. Hitting the bananna a little hard, eh? BONKERS I just got fired today. RABBIT Hey, whaddya know? I got fired from acting, too. Can't get a job in this town. Looked everywhere. BONKERS Well, actually, I was a cop. The RABBIT fidgets. BONKERS I used to be an actor. And I got fired. I used to be a cop. And I got fired. I should just go crawling back to Wackytoons. RABBIT Forget it. I worked in cartoons ever since the thirties. I even got re-inked in the sixties so I could keep up with you color toons. BONKERS winces. BONKERS Ow! Re-inking. Gee, and I thought I wanted a job bad. So, umm... whaddya do now? RABBIT Oh. Nothing much. I'm just a toon who vandalizes animation studios in the name of cartoon quality. BONKERS 'Kay... BONKERS is obviously not thinking straight. RABBIT Our time is over, friend. We were trained by the best for Slapstick comedy. But these days people want dark, gritty drama-things. Not that there's anything wrong with it- but what happens to us? BONKERS We just make new cartoons! There's always room for Bonkers! (That's me by the way) What's your (hic) name? There's always room for more you, too! RABBIT Yeah. Right. How many shows did you make before you got axed? How many places stll show your stuff? People want Batman, they want X-Men, Gargoyles, no more Schnookums & Meat, Ren & Stimpy. No more Bonkers. Cartoons used to be fun, remember? Now they're serious. Not cartoony anymore. They're REALISTIC. The RABBIT is getting louder. Other toons are starting to look at him. RABBIT We're TOONS! We're not about REALITY! We're about FUN! Making kids LAUGH! Leave REALITY and darkness to the HUMANS! Other toons are beginning to cluster around the JUICE BAR. BONKERS signals for another Bannana Fizzy. He is getting tipsy. BONKERS But some of the new stuff is good... great plots, intrigue.. RABBIT I was the KING of Slapstick! Speedy the Friendly Rabbit! Pies in the face! Anvils on the head! The PEEL SLIDE! Cartoons aren't about logic, about Drama... that's for live action. But now we're being put out of work by these "dramatic" CARTOONS! I say NO MORE! I SAY WE REVOLT! TAKE OVER THE ANIMATION STUDIOS! AN END TO DRAMA! Many toons are cheering now, including BONKERS, who is raising his glass with every shout of "AN END TO DRAMA!" PULL BACK as a crowd of Toons lifts SPEEDY and BONKERS up on their shoulders and out of the Rubber Room. PUSH IN ON SPEEDY AND BONKERS SPEEDY You an' me, Bonkers... we're gonna make Hollywood good for toons like us again. We're gonna bring back slapstick. We'll paint the town red! BONKERS Yeah. YEAH! FAINT THE DOWN ZED! I'm with ya, pal! All the way! Save the toons! SPEEDY And I'll keep the Bananna Fizzies comin'. Disney's gettin' an award for Gargoyles tonight at the Toon Convention center. (darkly) I say we pay them a visit. FADE OUT END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO FADE IN- EST. INT. RUBBER ROOM. MIRANDA and GRATING are at a table. THE BULLY BOYS have just wrapped up a song and JITTERS has just placed a drink next to GRATING. There are only a few other toons in the club. PUSH IN on GRATING GRATING This place isn't half-bad. MIRANDA Bonkers always said you'd like it here. GRATING Don't remind me. I thought he'd be here. MIRANDA Well, Snitch said he was here earlier. That's why he wanted to meet us. GRATING Where is that rat anyway? SNITCH walks in from OS and sits at the table. SNITCH Hello, fellow investigators. GRATING You said you had info for us. SNITCH Yup. Our mutual friend Bonkers has associated himself with a certain undesireable element in the toon community. MIRANDA I don't believe it. SNITCH Scout's honor. Observe. SNITCH produces a dirty glass from his pocket. SNITCH Bonkers could never hold his bananna fizzies. It's like eating too much chocolate. GRATING What're you talking about? You get a stomachache! That's nothing! SNITCH The toon constitution is a very strange thing. Too much of any sweets can make us really... err... stupid. Bonkers had had fifteen bananna fizzies. MIRANDA So what happened? Where is he? SNITCH Bonkers, a mob of toons, and Speedy the Friendly Rabbit left the Rubber Room for somewhere in Downtown Hollywood. That's all I heard. GRATING That toon's finally gone over the edge. SNITCH It's Speedy you should be worried about. The rabbit hasn't had a job since 1939. He's been looking for a reason to get back at all the animation studios, and with the new shift away from classic slapstick cartoons, he's got lots of toons who feel the same way he does. MIRANDA I just hope he doesn't get Bonkers into any trouble. CUT TO INT. WACKTOONS STUDIO- The PRESIDENT's office. TIGHT ON W.W. WACKY, who is being hit in the face with PIES. W.W. WACKY NO!!! MMF. SHTOP! MMF! PULL BACK to show BONKERS lifting PIES off a stack and hurling them at W.W. WACKY. (Bonkers now wears his green "film" shirt) SPEEDY Good shot, Bonk-o! Just think what it'll be like when we drop our little surprise on the award ceremony tonight. BONKERS Yeah. We'll slapstick it to 'em! CUT TO 34th PRECINCT, CAPTAIN SKEWER's office. SKEWER, DENNIS, STARK, GRATING and MIRANDA are sitting around an circular table in the center of the room. Bookcases now line the walls, and there is a TV set in the middle of the case on the right wall. All traces of Grating's things have been removed. SKEWER My sources tell me that a mob of toons is running around Hollywood kidnapping heads of animation studios. Dennis, Stark, I'm assigning this case to you. Wright and Grating, you two haven't come up with anything on this vandal, so I'm assigning you to a speed tra- MIRANDA We do have information, sir. On the head of the toon mob. His name is Spee- SKEWER -dy the Friendly Rabbit. I talk to garbagemen too, officer. There's nothing staler than old news. As I was sayi- GRATING Oh yeah? Well I got something better, CAPTAIN. SKEWER Like what, Grating? You know that he was re-inked? Come on. I'm amazed you people managed to keep your jobs for so long. I'm beginning to think Bonkers wasn't the only problem in this precinct. GRATING gets up and raises his arm threateningly. GRATING I got something for ya- MIRANDA (sotto) Cool it, Sarge! GRATING points at SKEWER. GRATING I've got a TOON on the INSIDE! SKEWER's glasses slip slightly. GRATING leans in. GRATING Whaddya YOU got? SKEWER Captain's bars. And don't forget it. You've got my attention. Who is this toon on the inside? GRATING leans back and crosses his arms. GRATING Bonkers D. Bobcat. SKEWER I fired him. GRATING I deputized him. MIRANDA (sotto) Sarge, you're pushing it... SKEWER What is this, Grating? I thought you hated that toon. GRATING backs up a little. (sotto) But I hate *you* more. (full voice) Doesn't matter! He's on the inside in deep cover, and we have to get him outta there! SKEWER stands. SKEWER Fine. It's your case. Use Dennis and Stark if you want. Here's the deal: You bring me Speedy, stop the mob, and Bonkers gets his job back. Dismissed. SKEWER walks out of his office. MIRANDA Sarge, you were really, umm... bending the truth there. I'm proud of you. GRATING Yeah, well... it was nothing! I was just trying to keep us on the case, that's all! MIRANDA nods. MIRANDA Right, Sarge. CUT TO INT. WACKYTOONS STUDIO The backgrounds on stage are the Gargoyles set. SPEEDY Look at that. Super artwork. Let's go! PULL BACK to reveal about 50 toons with paintbrushes attacking the sets, painting over the oilwork with yellow and blue polkadots. CUT TO SPEEDY and BONKERS SPEEDY Here, Bonkers. Throw this anvil through that set. BONKERS Gotcha! BONKERS throws the anvil, but it lands on SPEEDY. SPEEDY OW! Hey! Watch your aim! BONKERS Sorry. But these Fizzies throw off my aim. See? BONKERS hurls another anvil, which CLANGS! on SPEEDY's FOOT! SPEEDY Yeah. Well, we'll just have to find something else for you to- Another ANVIL splats SPEEDY, who pulls himself out from under it. SPEEDY STOP IT with the ANVILS ALREADY! BONKERS is slowly coming out of his stupor. BONKERS Hey... this is a neat set... why're we messin' it up? SPEEDY Because we toons- all fifty of us who got fired from our jobs and've lost our residuals because our repeats got bumped by dramatic shows- we never got wonderful sets like this. BONKERS is almost back. BONKERS Waitasec... isn't this, umm.. illegal? SPEEDY Want another bananna fizzy? BONKERS No! I wanna know what's going on here! SPEEDY We're puttin' Gargoyles outta business! BONKERS You CAN'T- SPEEDY hurls a pie at BONKERS! BONKERS flies back and hits a wall! He's down on the floor with stars around his head. SPEEDY Oops. My hand slipped. PULL BACK to show the crowd of toons pulling out MALLETS. SPEEDY OK! Let's tear down the set! GOLIATH walks in from OS, ANGRY! GOLIATH What are you toons doing? STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY! SPEEDY Sorry, big guy. But we older toons want our fair share of the pie. You computer-assisted *things* are killing our careers! GOLIATH We don't mean to. We're toons, just like you are. Just newer. Things change. SPEEDY True. See this set? It was an oil backdrop. Now it's Polka-dot heaven. In a minute, It'll be confetti. GOLIATH NO! I will not ALLOW YOU to destroy it! GOLIATH uses his wings to BLOW the TOONS away from the set! GOLIATH Leave this place! NOW! SPEEDY Just try and stop all of us! ALL the TOONS mob GOLIATH, but the gargoyle easily bats them off. SPEEDY growls. All of a sudden, he turns blue, morphs into a HUGE MALLET and becomes brown like a "real" one. The MALLET SLAMS into GOLIATH, who raises his wings over his head to protect himself, but it does not good. GOLIATH is knocked out by the tremendows impact, which jars BONKERS and makes him comes to, but he pretends to be out, peeking at the MALLET, which reverse MORPHS into LIQUIDATOR! The other toons are terrified. LIQUIDATOR That's right! New and IMPROVED, it's the LIQUIDATOR! Thanks to Negaduck and the miracle of super long lasting food coloring, the LIQUIDATOR can morph into anyone, anywhere, anytime! T-2000 look out! BONKERS is trying to slip away OS, but LIQUIDATOR grabs him! BONKERS Why's the Syndicate want Gargoyles outta the way? LIQUIDATOR Got Gargoyles in your kitchen? X-Men in your food? Then call the Syndicate! Exterminators at less then a dollar a day, courtesy of Speedy, the Friendly Rabbit! BONKERS Speedy's paying you to do this? LIQUIDATOR We have a winner! Give this man a prize! Too bad it's the booby prize. BONKERS Heheh. Gotta admit it, Liquy. You make a great Bannana FIZZY. And your PIE. Wow! That was HOT. Too bad when YOU get HOT you EVAPORATE. LIQUIDATOR Don't say the E-word! GOLIATH has arisen, and rubs his head slowly. He hears BONKERS. BONKERS What? EVAPORATE? GOLIATH goes OS and returns with THE BLACK CAULDRON. It is steaming. GOLIATH throws the contents of the cauldron on LIQUIDATOR. LIQUIDATOR Fool! Water and the Liquida-AIEEEEEEEEE! The HOT water turns LIQUIDATOR RED! He BURSTS into steam! BONKERS YEOW! HOTHOTHOT... WARM! GOLIATH Sorry, friend. But it was the only way to release his hold on you. BONKERS Thanks, umm... GOLIATH They call me Goliath. BONKERS Neat name- really suits you. Hey! We gotta get to the awards ceremony for yer show! GOLIATH But the toons that would have harmed us are here, subdued. BONKERS But the rest of the Synducate might be there. Trust me, they're trouble. GOLIATH Then let stop their plans! GOLIATH and BONKERS head up to the ROOF. EST. EXT. ROOF- SUNSET. BONKERS is on GOLIATH's back. GOLIATH spreads his wings and GLIDES down towards the toon convention center. CUT TO EXT. TOON CONVENTION CENTER MEGAVOLT and BUSHROOT are hiding alongside the building. BUSHROOT I don't like this. Why's Negaduck sending only two of us to do this job? MEGAVOLT Because he's busy improving the others! Be glad! That chainsaw made me nervous, anyway. BUSHROOT It was nice of him to break us out of jail. Even if it was only so we could build him his new hideout. MEGAVOLT Yeah, well- be quiet! Here come the directors! GOLIATH lands behind them. BONKERS jumps off his back and points to them. BONKERS Ok, you two! The Gig is up! MEGAVOLT I don't think so, Bobcat! MEGAVOLT ZAPS BONKERS! GOLIATH roars and charges them! BUSHROOT Ick! A Gargoyle! Those things gimmee the creeps! And they look like herbivores! Take this, you- you- monster! MEGAVOLT Look who's talking. BUSHROOT waves his arms, and thick VINES spring up, wrapping around GOLIATH. The Gargoyle struggles, and is uprooting them almost as fast as Bushroot can call them forth. MEGAVOLT They're not gonna hold! I guess it's MY turn. MEGAVOLT ZAPS GOLIATH, burning BUSHROOT's VINES. GOLIATH just turns in MEGAVOLT's direction, unaffected. BUSHROOT My babies! GOLIATH That was a most futile manuver. MEGAVOLT Oh yeah, well... take THIS! MEGAVOLT produces a giant lightbulb which comes on, illuminating the place like it was DAY. GOLIATH growls and begins to turn to stone. BONKERS wakes up and pulls out a squirt gun. He fires it at the bulb, which shatters. MEGAVOLT My Bulb! My precious bulb! BUSHROOT I thought Negaduck had improved you so that you were waterproof. MEGAVOLT He did! But you hit something real hot like this bulb with something real cold like that water, and it'll still shatter! Don't you watch MacGyver?! BUSHROOT Take THIS, GARGOYLE! Several trees uproot and begin slamming GOLIATH on the head! GOLIATH is fighting back valiantly, but the blows combined with more intense blasts from MEGAVOLT are bringing him down to his knees! GOLIATH swings out, trying to attack them, but they jump out of the way easily. As GOLIATH is collapsing, two PIES SPLAT into MEGAVOLT and LIQUIDATOR! Pan to BONKERS, who is admiring his good shot. GOLIATH is shaking his head groggily. BONKERS leads him away from the building. GOLIATH Those two are formidable opponents. I do not think I can fight them and succeed. Conventional battle tactics seem to be ineffective. I fear I am not suited to this type of combat. BONKERS Nonsense, Goliath! You're a new Toon. Dramatic, yes. But I won't hold it against ya. Have you ever learned slapstick? GOLIATH is confused. GOLIATH Slap a stick? BONKERS shakes his head. BONKERS Tsk, Tsk. What you youngsters learn in school today, I don't know. Come on. If you wanna beat those goons, you need to learn the *classic* toon manuvers! BONKERS and GOLIATH are walking into the distance. As we FADE OUT to END ACT TWO, we hear: GOLIATH But what does a bannana peel have to do with anything? ACT THREE FADE IN EST EXT- TOON CONVENTION CENTER The CENTER is surrounded by POLICE CARS. The area is CORDONED OFF. GRATING Here he comes again! Duck! ZAPS of energy FLY out over the POLICE CARS! One of them DETONATES! MIRANDA Sarge, is it me, or has Megavolt gotten stronger? GRATING It's not you, Wright. MIRANDA looks up. MIRANDA SARGE! Move outta the way! MIRANDA shoves GRATING to the left as a TREE SLAMS into the patrol car they were behind. GRATING This is crazy! Three hours of this! Ever since they took the entire Gargoyles production team hostage, we've been stuck out here dodging lightning bolts and rabid trees! CAPT. SKEWER drives up in his squad car. SKEWER What's the matter, Sergeant? Situation out of control? Would you like me to take over for you? GRATING (barely restrained anger) Look, CAPTAIN. This would've been a lot easier with a TOON cop on the job. I hate to admit it, but we need Bonkers! SKEWER (loudly, for all to hear) I thought you said he was your TOON on the inside. Didn't he know the Syndicate was involved? Didn't he tell you? Of course not. Because you were LYING, all the time. I knew it from the start. GRATING's face falls. SKEWER I'm going to have your job for th- SKEWER 's mouth drops open as he sees GOLIATH swoop down and land on the tree that crushed MIRANDA's squad car. BONKERS, who has been hanging rather clumsily on his back, falls down and picks himself up, facing SKEWER, doing an exaggerated salute. BONKERS Bonkers D. Bobcat reporting, SIR! Liquidator was posing as Speedy the friendly rabbit, SIR! The real Speedy was paying off the Syndicate to do the work for him, SIR! I found him at his old apartment and brought him here, SIR! He has confessed, SIR! In the background, ZAPS and Treefalls are continuing. BONKERS steps aside to reveal a withered old toon rabbit. MIRANDA I thought toons didn't age like that. BONKERS ignores her, staring at SKEWER. BONKERS With your permission, Goliath and I'll clean up this mess, SIR! SKEWER I don't think so. You people are obviously covering up for one another. I'm calling the Chief and- BONKERS Nevermind. Forget it. BONKERS slumps down. BONKERS Come on, Goliath. Let's go home. GOLIATH But I thought you said we- BONKERS shoots him a look. BONKERS Remember what I said about DECEPTION? SKEWER What're you trying to pull here? Grating, arrest those toons for... impeding police action! GRATING I can't hear you, sir. I think that last blast left me temporarily deaf. SKEWER Wright? You do it. MIRANDA I can't lipread. BONKERS gives them a "Thank-you" look and he and GOLIATH go in around back. SKEWER I'm going in there with this camera to tape the diaster that's about to happen-- and when it does, I'll have ALL your badges! MIRANDA and GRATING follow SKEWER inside. CUT TO INT. CONVENTION CENTER AERIAL SHOT- BONKERS and GOLIATH are swooping down on the main stage, where LIQUIDATOR and MEGAVOLT are holding several HOSTAGES. BONKERS Now, GOLIATH! GOLIATH drops several PIES on the villans' heads. BONKERS Umm, that's what you use ANVILS for. GOLIATH Sorry. This is all very strange. LIQUIDATOR morphs into a perfect replica of GOLIATH and begins to hurl cameras, spotlights, etc. up at them. GOLIATH What now? BONKERS Pepperbombing. GOLIATH lands, smashing into the stage. He then quickly climbs up a wall, and swoops down again, dropping several PEPPERSHAKERS into LIQUIDATOR, who begins to sneeze uncontrollably, spraying water everywhere. MEGAVOLT I'm glad I'm waterproof! Take this, GARGOYLE! MEGAVOLT pulls out his RAY GUN and shoots GOLIATH in the wing. GOLIATH crashes on his back and BONKERS is crushed, slowly pulling himself out from under the gargoyle. BONKERS Thay guy's heavier than he looks! BONKERS sees MEGAVOLT aiming at him and cackling hysterically. BONKERS Uh-oh. MEGAVOLT And now, taste my vengeance, you pathetic little orange bobc- A ROCK slams into MEGAVOLT! The RAY GUN blasts it into little bits, and Megavolt gets up, looking at it. It is sparking dangerously. MEGAVOLT Thank you, friendly gu- The RAY GUN blows up in his face, charring it. GOLIATH Sorry about using a rock, but- BONKERS Nono... Hee Hee... that was good. That was funny! You're learning. MEGAVOLT I've had it with you people! At least when I was acting I had a stunt double. MEGAVOLT walks over to GRATING. MEGAVOLT Hey, Cop! I give up! MIRANDA notices that SKEWER is aiming the camera the other way, so she shoves him around. MIRANDA Can you repeat that for the camera? MEGAVOLT Sure... humilate me some MORE here! Fine! I give up! I GIVE UP! It was all because of that stupid orance Bobcat! Arrgh! SKEWER Fine. But there are still TWO other Syndicate members out there. PAN BACK TO BONKERS and GOLIATH, and some of the HOSTAGES, who are all hurling PIES at LIQUIDATOR. A PIE DELIVERY TRUCK shows up every few seconds to replenish the stock. GOLIATH But, tell me, Bonkers. Does this not get boring after the twentieth pie? BONKERS True. Variety is the spice of Tapioca. Let's try that other gag I taught you. GOLIATH Right. GOLIATH runs over to the far wall while the others keep LIQUIDATOR bogged down with pies. He clumsily produces a toon paintcan and paintbrush, and draws a tunnel in the wall. He peers inside, then looks back at BONKERS curiously. BONKERS Now do the TAKE... GOLIATH nods and looks back in the tunnel. GOLIATH Ah- wu- gah? GOLIATH turns and squints. His eyes GLOW! GOLIATH I can't do the eye popping at all. BONKERS Lemme show ya how. BONKERS saunters up to the tunnel and peers in. BONKERS AHWOOOGA! BONKERS eyes' leap out three levels deep! He turns and runs towards LIQUIDATOR as a TRAIN ZOOMS out of the TUNNEL and bursts LIQUIDATOR into hundreds of tiny droplets! STAGEHANDS walk in from OS and start mopping up LIQUIDATOR, squeegeeing him into a small bottle watched over by DENNIS and STARK. PAN OVER TO MIRANDA, SKEWER and GRATING. MIRANDA You got that, Captain? SKEWER I have to admit, it was impressive. But wasteful with the pies. I won't hold that against him. There's still one member left, however. CUT TO EXT. CONVENTION CENTER BONKERS BUSHROOT! BUSHROOT comes out from behind a tree. BUSHROOT So-ho, Bonkers! Heard you got the others. Too bad you can't catch me. BONKERS And why not? BUSHROOT You're standing in the grass, next to a hedge, which seperates you from a small forest. My minions surround you! BONKERS Oh. Yeah. Thought you knew. Where are those vines you brought with ya? BUSHROOT Your Gargoyle pal ruined them! And whaddya mean, 'thought you knew'? BONKERS Well, ya uprooted every last real tree in the place! This is California! (points down) Astroturf. Next to fake plastic bushes, seperating me from a fiberglass greenery where they make fake trees for zoos. BUSHROOT Uh-oh... Well, I've got to be going now... BONKERS So soon? And I'd thought you'd like to meet my new pal, Mr. Herb E. Cide. BONKERS produces an aerosol can. BUSHROOT NO! BUSHROOT backs up, right into the hands of GRATING and MIRANDA. BONKERS Oops. Silly me. It's just hairspray. (demonstrates by sparying his hair with it) No CFC's though. FADE TO INT. 34th PRECINCT, 2nd FLOOR CAPTAIN SKEWER is handing BONKERS his badge as GRATING and MIRANDA watch. SKEWER You've earned it, Officer Bobcat. I don't like your methods, but I guess that's something I'll have to get used to. With all these toons losing their jobs, it's going to be very important to have a toon cop policing our streets, as Chief Kanifky reminded me... and as Sergeant Grating reminded him. BONKERS looks at GRATING curiously. BONKERS Really, Sarge? GRATING It was nothing- forget about it already! BONKERS Whatever you say, Sarge. I knew you didn't REALLY hate me! SKEWER Fine. I'm glad everything's settled. Speedy's being booked right now, along with the Syndicate members. Grating, the rabbit wants to see you. GRATING Why does the toon wanna see me? SKEWER I don't know. Good job, everyone- but don't let it go to your heads. I'm going to be watching all of you very closely from now on. SKEWER walks OS. TRACK GRATING as he walks over to SPEEDY. GRATING You wanted to see me? SPEEDY Bonkers says you're upset. GRATING That toon doesn't know what he's talking about. SPEEDY He says you lost your old job to some other guy. GRATING Yeah, a real spit-and-polish guy. So whaddya you care? SPEEDY Well, like I found out. Stuff changes. You and Bobcat are a lot alike. GRATING You're the one who's Bonkers. I- SPEEDY He lost his old job because he got replaced by new guys. So did I. I tried to wreck everything- to make it like it was before. Funny Toons. Wacky Toons. To make Toons they way they were- but nothing's the same anymore. For me or for you. I let it get to me. Don't let it get to you. You can't change it back. GRATING So what am I supposed to do? Sit back and let Mr. Military screw up this department? SPEEDY Take some advice from an old toon. You gotta play it where it sits. But that doesn't mean you can't pick a new club. GRATING That isn't advice! That's a golfing tip! SPEEDY Sorry. That's how I got my start. Golf ads. I mean, if things have changed, you've gotta change. Figure out who your friends are, Sergeant. Cuz from what I saw, you're gonna need 'em. Oh yeah... you guys wanted a lead on that vigilante' who was chasing me? All I know is, he used to work with the Syndicate when they were still on TV. That's all I know. DENNIS walks in. DENNIS Come on, Speedy. Time to go. SPEEDY But I'm warning you, Sergeant. I'm just old, not washed up. I am gonna make this town good for us old-timers again... any way I have to. DENNIS and SPEEDY go OS. GRATING gets up and walks back to his desk, where BONKERS is playing with one of the Sarge's paperweights. GRATING BONKERS! BONKERS is afraid. BONKERS Yeah, Sarge? GRATING Where's Miranda? BONKERS Talkin' to Cap'n Skewer, Sarge. Umm, sorry about playin' with your stuff... GRATING FORGET IT! (sotto) When she gets back, lemme know. I'm inviting you two to lunch at that place, the uhh.. umm... BONKERS (excitedly) The RUBBER ROOM?! GRATING picks up BONKERS by the THROAT! GRATING NOT SO LOUD! He drops BONKERS on the desk. GRATING (sotto) Yeah, the Rubber Room. My treat. BONKERS Gee, thanks, Sarge! (suspiciously) Why're you being so nice to us all of a sudden? Are you sick? Lemme take your temperature! GRATING I'M NOT SICK, YOU JERK! (sotto) Let's just say I finally figured out who my friends are. IRIS OUT THE END